Ani-Emo

Okay my roommate has been watching a lot of anime lately, and I have had the honor to watch Soul Eater.

I find myself identifying more and more with Crona.

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Am I the only one?

I constantly feel like this lonely creature among a pack of the uncaring. Constantly ridiculed, questioned, and neglected by the world will it ever get better?


I jumped around colleges a lot before I settled and graduated. All said and done, I ended up with a little over 100,000 in student loan debts, the majority of which is private. Two months before I graduated Sallie Mae (who hold the majority of my debt) stopped all consolidation of private loans due to the economy. Combine that with 2 months of missed credit card payments (2 months and my credit score droped 180 points) and I couldn't find anyone to consolidate my loans even when I was employed full time. I'm living at home, unemployed, scraping by doing freelance web design and development but its just not enough. I've managed to pay half of them so far but the other have are approaching default. I have collectors calling me 14 hours a day 7 days a week. My family is poor and has always been poor so there is no financial support from them outside of a roof over my head. Every day that goes by I can just feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression, an issue I've had since I was a  child.
I'm not looking for pity. I signed the papers and I brought this upon myself. I was a stupid kid, but thats not an excuse. I need to take responsibility and fix this myself but I just don't know what to do. It's become harder and harder to motivate myself because I truly feel like I have no hope any longer. I send out applications both for industry jobs and shit jobs and there is just nothing. I just can't deal with this any longer. Honestly the only reason I haven't put a bullet in my head is because some of my loans (the ones I have been paying) have family cosigners and I cannot allow my horrible decisions to affect them. I hate my life and I hate myself for what i've done to it.
Any advice is welcome, be it financial, personal or otherwise.

Pretentious Diary Entry #8 "woop woop I am high"

So I have been obsessing over what is wrong with myself for the last few weeks.

I see that I should stop trying to look for something that is wrong when there is nothing there.

Alex, a friend that was staying with us recently due to being homeless, was hired for a full-time office job in philly. :3

Pretentious Diary Entry #7 "Oh joy"

I have not had a single interview yet, no source of income, missed class due to illness, have court costs, and a hospital bill.

:[

I must not be trying hard enough.

I cannot focus.

I hate me.

Pretentious Diary Entry #6 "Good Gift"

Negative habitual thoughts are invading my head again. They are difficult to ignore, because they are far more intense.


Anxiety issues.


Janessa's gift ideas:

• Earrings, hand made
• Crayon lego blocks
• stress ball toys
• ruffle + scarf
• bag/bp
• LOL irony buttons
• beanie
• clth esq.

Pretentious Diary Entry #5 "unMOTIVATED"

As you can guess I have been extremely unmotivated as of late. My Music Appreciation class was very interesting and seems promising. Dr. Henderson, my professor, seems to be able to connect with us while avoiding the cliche, boring, monotone professor stereotype that many of my previous teachers were oh so able to fulfill.

My anti-depressant does not seem to be working very effectively  and I am still self-medding with cannabis. Anxiety, stress, and procrastination/apathy plague me.

I am still attempting to join English and Math courses, but most classes are already pretty full.

Pretentious Diary Entry #4 "Ugh"

I filled out paperwork for food stamps, and had the hottest, most miserable day.

Pretentious Diary Entry #3 "No Money, No Weed, No Luck"

Dany and I left for the tattoo parlor so he could buy a new nose ring. He plans on doing a salt water extraction since it has been inflamed lately. I bought PJ pants, returned my library books, and forgot to go to the TREP thing.

Also no more monies or weed. ;[

Pretentious Diary Entry #2 "The Talk with Doc"

 Dr. Suyat and I discussed my stability, and in the end I was advised to find a psychologist. Participating in todays support group was nice and obviously beneficial. If I continue attending the group, I should be able to learn about the ***** program I will participate in. I went by my bank and was extremely uncomfortable.

Anxiety is manageable as long as I continue to medicate with mj.

The Department of Social Services still has not returned my call or scheduled a return appointment for me, so that means more waiting for food stamps.

I researched car + rental packages for my mothers' visit over Turkey Day.

Pretentious Diary Entry #1 "Do not be a victim."

Tuesday, August 17th


T_T Today I realized I have never accomplished anything of significant value. I am extremely unorganized and only have myself to blame.


Dany mentioned my weight being abnormally low, meaning I should eat more.


Anxiety is still slightly better since I started taking lexapro, but is still impairing. 


-Stupid